


The Matchmakers

by JacoTaco



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: ... or at least it tries to be, Bad Matchmaking, Canon Compliant, Comedy, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hook-Up, Matchmaking, Mating Rituals, Saiyan Culture, Stupidity, The Talk, Three Year Gap (Dragon Ball), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2020-11-26 05:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20925260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacoTaco/pseuds/JacoTaco
Summary: Goku may have messed with time a bit after Future Trunks' visit. Worried that Trunks will not be born in this timeline, Goku, Chi Chi, and Piccolo work together to make sure Bulma and Vegeta hookup!





	1. The Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, another story! 
> 
> Just a few notes before I start: I know Dragon Ball operates on a multiverse theory of time travel, but our characters aren't really aware of that at first. Hell, I don't even think Future Trunks is sure how time travel works when he first does it! So this is written from that unaware perspective. 
> 
> Also I made this rated mature just in case. I don't plan to go into gratuitous detail (for better or worse) but there's obviously going to be a lot of sex talk in this so I just want to be safe with the rating. :)

Goku was trying his best during this sparring match- that is, he was trying his best to look as if he was trying.

Training with others had grown to become a difficult task after becoming a Super Saiyan. No power level came close to his own. Training with Vegeta, however, was particularly awkward. His opponent was giving it all he had- the Saiyan prince put all of his strength into each punch, utilized any speed he could summon, and had the rage to back it all up with. Despite his efforts, he never came close to contending with the lowborn Saiyan.

While Goku knew that pity wasn’t a friendly emotion (Master Roshi had shared that old piece of wisdom with his students years ago), the frustration in Vegeta’s eyes and the image of the Saiyan dying on Namek still burned in the earthling’s mind. He didn’t want to hurt the man’s pride more than what damage had already been dealt to it.

So the stronger of the two allowed the other to get a few hits in and pretended that he didn’t dwarf him in power, speed, and height, before the duo sat down to rest.

Summer was turning into autumn and the refreshing breeze drew leaves from the trees and onto the ground. Goku relaxed on the forest clearing’s floor and took in the sounds and smells of Fall, noticing that the noise of their fighting must have chased away any animals nearby. Vegeta sat on a stump facing away from the earthling, hunched over and polishing off water from a Capsule Corporation bottle.

_Well, that’s a good sign!_

Goku grinned, “Hey, Vegeta?”

A sigh came from the direction of the other Saiyan, followed by a curt, “What?”

“What do you think of Bulma?”

Silence. Goku stared at the prince’s back waiting for a response. Finally Vegeta turned around, one eyebrow raised, _“What?”_

“I asked what you thought about Bulma.”

“What the hell is a Bulma?”

Goku felt his heart sink, not receiving the response he had hoped for, “Vegeta… how do you not know? It’s the woman you’ve been living with for over a year now… and for a few months before that. Don’t you two ever talk?”

“Oh. The _woman.” _Vegeta rolled his eyes and turned back around, “Why the hell are you asking such stupid questions, Kakarot? She’s an insignificant human like every other irritating being on this planet… barring you and the Namekian, of course.”

“…But you would be homeless and have nowhere to train without her.”

“Is there a point to this conversation?!” Vegeta stood up and turned to his rival, irritated, “I have better things to do than to sit here and gossip with you like fools. Unless you want to do something productive like spar, than stay the hell out of my way.” With that, the prince took off into the sky, leaving the younger Saiyan alone in the woods. Goku pouted, bringing two fingers to his head and feeling out a different powerful energy.

In an instant, he was sitting next to a meditating Piccolo, looking over a cliff at more forested land. The Namekian floated in midair, eyes closed and legs crossed looking both calm and focused. Piccolo didn’t even acknowledge his former-rival before immediately asking for answers.

“So… how did it go?”

Goku sighed again and rested his chin in his palm, “Not so good. He barely even knows she exists. Shouldn’t she be having a baby soon?“

Piccolo opened his eyes to glare at the other man, “Didn’t your wife carry Gohan? How do you not know how long it takes for humans to produce a child?”

“Well it’s not like I was keeping track of time!” the earthling whined as Piccolo scowled at the fellow warrior’s incompetence. The rare look of worry on the other man’s face stopped the Namekian from chastising his childishness. “I can’t believe I told Bulma to take care of her baby. What was I thinking? Seriously though, how could something so minor change time so much?! What if her and Yamcha end up having a baby instead? Trunks won’t exist! But will I still remember him? Will I still have the heart medicine?!” Goku groaned and lay back on the ground, staring into the sky, “It’s all so confusing it makes my head hurt.”

“It’s hard to say. I’m not exactly versed with time travel myself, you know.” Piccolo responded sarcastically and looked back at the Saiyan’s face, “But if Trunks was concerned about not existing than we shouldn’t take that lightly. So you need to make sure that kid is born.”

Goku sat up, “Are you saying I have to make them get together? ...How?’

The Namekian gawked at the other man, “What? How the hell should I know?! You’re the Saiyan with a human wife! You should know better than anyone!” Goku sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“Well yea… but honestly I don’t even know why Chi Chi married me!” Piccolo snorted, unsurprised by that news.

“Well, who do you recommend we ask then?”

Goku’s eyes lit up. Piccolo was unable to question him further as his shoulder was grabbed and they blipped out from one existence and into a new one.

* * *

“Hey Gohan? What do women like?”

Startled at the sudden intrusion, Gohan looked up from his book in bewilderment to see both his father and teacher standing there staring back at him. Mr. Piccolo growled.

“Really, Goku? We’re asking the eight-year-old for this kind of advice?!”

“Relax Piccolo! Gohan knows lots of things! Doncha?” Goku grinned expectantly down at his son as Gohan sat, processing the sudden turn of events.

“Umm… well mom likes cooking a lot. And she likes when I study and when you’re here.” Gohan toyed with the pages of his book, trying to figure out how to answer such a random question. Piccolo crossed his arms and Goku shook his head.

“No, no. Like let’s say there’s someone your age that you really _really_ liked! What would you do to make them like you?”

“Uh… be… nice to them?”

Goku pondered that answer for a moment, “Yea, I don’t think that’s gonna work with these two.”

“Goku, this is highly inappropriate.”

An abrupt crash from the other side of the room caused the trio to whip their heads around as the door slammed open. Chi Chi stood at the entrance of the room, one leg raised in the air, which seemed to be the source of the destruction, and one arm holding a bowl while the other furiously whisked the contents inside it. She marched over to her husband.

“I knew I heard something going on in here! Goku! Where on Earth have you been?!”

Goku shrieked and ran around the room, putting a bed between him and the irritated woman, “Chi Chi! I’ve been, uh, job hunting?”

“Don’t lie to me, Goku! I just got off the phone with Bulma! You were training with that nasty Saiyan again, weren’t you?!” She turned her attention to Piccolo, who cringed at being the new target of the housewife’s wrath, “And you! What do you think you’re doing here? Come to steal my baby again?!”

“N-no!” Piccolo stuttered, waving his arms in front of him, “I’m just trying to help your husband with some important business!”

“Unless you’re helping him to get a job, I’m not interested!”

“Hey mom? Can Mr. Piccolo stay for dinner?” a timid voice interrupted the fight and Chi Chi turned to her son, who was smiling sweetly while still holding his book, “Please? He doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

The former demon king wasn’t sure if he could blush, but if he could he would being doing it now. Would it be a bad time to remind everyone that he couldn’t eat?

The human woman stared at her son before sighing in defeat, “Fine. But only because the three of us are going to have a long, much-needed talk in the kitchen right now,” She turned her head to the two alien men, an expression on her face that no one would dare disagree with, “right you two?!”

“Sure, sure!” The duo hurried to agree with the small woman before reluctantly heading into the kitchen, leaving Gohan alone once again to reflect on what just happened.

* * *

“I told you, Goku, I don’t like you spending time with that Vegeta guy. You have enough delinquent friends as it is.” Piccolo swore he saw Chi Chi glance at him as she said that.

Goku’s chin rested on his folded arms as he sat at the dining room table with his highly uncomfortable Namekian friend, who was also seated with his arms crossed. Chi Chi turned around when she didn’t receive a response. “Goku!”

The Saiyan’s eyes shot up to meet the worried face of his wife, “Sorry, Chi, just a little distracted today.”

Chi Chi stared at him before turning to Piccolo, “What’s the matter with my husband?” Piccolo blinked at the question, unsure of what to say and not feeling up to the task of handling a marital dispute, before turning to his fellow warrior.

_You should ask her, you know. _Piccolo communicated telepathically. The housewife’s eyes narrowed, knowing something suspicious was going on. Goku turned to him, making eye contact for a few seconds, before nodding and turning to his wife.

“Chi Chi! How does time travel work?!”

Piccolo felt an eye twitch. _Not that, you idiot! _

Chi Chi stood, staring at the two dumbfounded, “What?”

The Saiyan shook his head, “Uh, never mind Chi. Actually I have something else I need to ask. Um…” His brows furrowed as he pondered the best way of phrasing such a question. Finally, Goku looked up, “Chi Chi, how do we get another woman pregnant?!”

The raven-haired woman stood motionless, staring at her husband. Piccolo sat still, certain he would be sweating if he was human, and awaiting the incoming assault of anger on her behalf.

To his surprise, she started giggling.

“Goku, if I didn’t know you any better I would be really concerned about our marriage right now,” She walked over and grabbed his hand in between her own two delicate palms, “Honey, if you need my help with something, you’re going to need to tell me what in Kami’s name is going on.”

Goku and Piccolo glanced at each other, before telling the woman to sit down.

* * *

“And so, like an idiot, Goku, told Bulma to take good care of her baby. So now we’re afraid Trunks won’t be born and the future is going to end up the same somehow.” 

“But you can’t tell anyone, Chi! This needs to stay between us three? Okay?”

Chi Chi stared at the tabletop, forgetting about the dinner now burning in the kitchen as the two warriors revealed that both her husband and son would die within just a few years. She sighed, and looked at the two.

“But if we know what’s going on, that means Trunks still came back in time, right?” 

Goku and Piccolo looked at each other before turning back to the human, unsure of what point she was trying to make.

“What I’m trying to say is that, if we remember Trunks being here, then that means he still goes back in time. Which means nothing caused him not to be born. Which means he’s still going to be born. Though I guess that means this awful future turns out the same…” Chi Chi stood up and walked over to a window, deep in thought. “Of course, maybe he’s only born still because we are inevitably going to do something about it. Which means we should go ahead and do something. But what if destiny means we _don’t _do anything… It’s hard to say…”

Goku and Piccolo stared at the woman’s back, “… Huh?”

Chi Chi twirled around, hands on her hips, staring the two aliens down with determination, “Okay! I’ll help you guys. You two meatheads couldn’t romance your way out of a paper bag, so someone has to make sure this poor kid is born and that our baby survives!” The human grabbed a pen and paper from the counter and joined the two flabbergasted meatheads at the table. “Okay! C’mon you two, we have a lot of planning and work to get done. It’s time to play matchmakers!”

Clicking the pen open, she turned to Goku, “Ok, first we’re going to list all of the things Saiyans like. I’ll start. Number one: Fighting…”


	2. The Talk

Over the next 15 minutes, the group compiled a list of what humans and Saiyans (more specifically Bulma and Vegeta) enjoyed or could potentially be influenced by.

Chi Chi dominated making the list on Bulma’s behalf. The items included: technology, inventing, strawberries, chocolate, bad boys, vehicles, adventure, dragon balls, fashion, her hair, Yamcha, shopping, alcohol, underwear, cats, time machines, and the Capsule Corporation logo.

Piccolo and Goku were able to come up with: fighting and “maybe food” for Vegeta. Chi Chi added: “universal domination,” “killing my husband,” and “knocking up Bulma, apparently,” to even out the two lists.

The team stopped to take a dinner break, putting their discussion on hold as Gohan was in the room. The Son family ate as the Namekian sat quietly with a glass of water. Despite Mr. Piccolo’s lack of participation in their evening conversation, Gohan was thrilled to have him present for a reason the warrior didn’t fully understand. When their meal was finished, Gohan was sent to get ready for bed as the trio continued their project from earlier.

“Sooo… what exactly do we do with this list?” Goku asked as Chi Chi played with the pen in her hands, deep in thought.

“Well before we can do anything about it… I kind of have a concern.” Chi Chi paused, suddenly blushing a furious red, “do you think he knows anything about… _you know?”_

Piccolo and Goku stared back at her blankly, clearly not _knowing._

“_You know… _about doing _it.”_

The following silence encouraged Goku to take a guess at what the woman was trying to convey, “Um… does he know about doing the Kamehameha?”

“No! About sex, Goku! Not the Kamehameha!” the human huffed and crossed her arms, “I mean, you were clueless about that stuff until our wedding night when I had to give you a quick rundown on how things worked- and you’ve been on Earth for decades!” she sighed, shaking her head, “think about it- from my understanding he lived out in space thinking only two other males from his species were what was left. He might never have learned about that kind of thing… or maybe he’s all confused after interacting with so many different aliens his whole life…”

The Saiyan pondered that information for a moment before turning to Piccolo, “What do you know about that kind of stuff?

“Uh…” the Namekian blushed, “…well I came out of an egg… so…”

A chair scraped along the ground as Chi Chi quickly stood up and marched towards an overstuffed bookcase lining one of the walls of the Son household. After browsing the selection, she pulled a textbook from the wall and slammed it down on the table.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to have a much needed biology lesson with you, Goku- Piccolo, you should hear this too- and then you’re going to practice by giving _the talk _to Gohan. He’s mature for his age so we should be having these discussions anyway.”

“But I didn’t learn about it until I was an adult!”

“Goku you’re a… special case.” Goku smiled at that and the housewife opened the book to a page showing the more intimate parts of the human body in complete detail.

* * *

“So there _is _an egg involved- but it doesn’t come out of your mouth.”

“That is correct, Piccolo. When the sperm from a male fuses with the egg it forms what eventually becomes another human. Or half-human, in our case…”

“Piccolo, you fused with someone on Namek, right? Chi Chi is that kinda the same thing?!”

“No Goku, Namekian fusion is not similar to human reproduction… I don’t think.”

Explaining sex education to two aliens was as bizarre of an experience as one could imagine. Eventually, the housewife felt that her two students were ready to become educators and went to retrieve Gohan from his room.

Goku and Piccolo waited nervously as Chi Chi brought Gohan out, hair disheveled and rubbing the tired from his eyes. He sat at the table, looking around both confused and drowsy.

Chi Chi and Piccolo looked at Goku expectantly, waiting for him to start. The Saiyan cleared his throat and began the lesson.

“Hey son… so um, we have something important we need to talk about… your mother and I think you’re old enough to hear about this now… well mostly your mom told me you were…” he nervously glanced at his wife, who gave him a thumbs up, encouraging him to keep going, “Gohan, what do you know about… sex?”

Gohan stared at his father, unable to keep the fatigue from his eyes, then glanced at the table now covered in books, crude drawings, and diagrams. The half-Saiyan looked around the room.

“Mom, dad, I’ve already read about this stuff like forever ago. I don’t think I need a lesson on it and I’m really tired so I’m going back to bed now.” He hopped down from his seat and left the room, the rest of the company staring at him in shock. Apparently a sleepy Gohan was not the polite young boy he typically was.

Goku grinned, leaning back in his chair, “I don’t know what you were complaining about, Chi Chi- that was easy. Maybe I should be Gohan’s new teacher!”

All confidence drained from the Saiyan as he looked over at his wife, whose eyebrow was twitching in rage and whose face looked less than amused.

* * *

“Kakarot, you better have a good reason for bringing me out here again.”

They landed in their typical sparring area located at the same clearing in the same forest, only this time Piccolo was awaiting their arrival. He acknowledged the two Saiyans with a glare as they landed in front of him.

Vegeta smirked, “Don’t see the point in bringing the Namekian, though. As if he could keep up with two Saiyans.”

Piccolo scowled at the smug prince, “If I too got a power boost every time you failed to defeat an opponent, I would at least be a Super Saiyan by now.”

Responding with a growl, Vegeta opened his mouth to no doubt berate the other warrior, but Goku stepped in between the two before matters got out of hand, “Okay, you two. Let’s save the fighting for the androids!” he grinned sheepishly at the older Saiyan, “-but first we need to have a talk about something.”

Vegeta raised a brow at the odd behavior of the other man, but followed him anyway when he began to walk away. Goku picked up a textbook from the ground and sat on a tree stump, patting the spot next to him inviting Vegeta to join. The prince continued standing there, arms crossed, glaring down at the third-class warrior.

“Okay… um, Vegeta. It is very important that we talk about this and if you have any questions don’t be afraid to ask.” Goku heard a growl emanate from the prince at the implication that he would have to ask Kakarot for anything, and hurried along, “Vegeta… do you ever have any… _urges?”_

“I have the urge to go Super Saiyan and murder you right now.”

Goku laughed out loud, “No, Geets. I mean sexual urges” Goku held the textbook in front of his face, revealing a diagram of a vulva, “are you aware of what this is?”

A fist came barreling through the cover of the textbook that Goku had been hiding behind, and into the Saiyan’s face, knocking him over and causing blood to gush from his nose. Goku had tears in his eyes as he sat up and looked for Vegeta, only to see the prince quietly flying away from them.

“Oww…!”

Piccolo began to cackle at the scene he had just witnessed, thinking Vegeta may have already been aware of such information. 

* * *

Despite the cooler air, Bulma was still covered in sweat as she worked on a vehicle outside in the pleasant weather. Covered in grease, the scientist leaned against the metal frame of the car to take a break when she saw her Saiyan houseguest land in the yard, looking as pissed off as ever.

She smirked, “Back already? Was Goku too annoying for you today?”

The prince stopped in his tracks, staring at the human. Bulma was feeling uncharacteristically shy as the Saiyan looked her up and down before stomping away, blushing furiously for whatever reason. Bulma was left alone again, pondering what was going on in that head of his. 


	3. The Makeover

“He got you good, didn’t he?”

Goku winced as Chi Chi tended to his injured face, holding a package of freezer burnt vegetables to his nose. The Saiyan’s eyes continued to water as he tilted his head back towards the ceiling.

“I didn’t even see the punch coming, I was to preoccupied with showing him the picture,” Goku attempted to speak as if his nose was stuffed and his wife sighed, a hint of guilt in her eyes.

“Well if I knew this would happen I wouldn’t have recommended it. That man is so nasty. Honestly, what did Bulma see in him? It feels wrong even trying to get these two together.”

“If it prevents our future from being destroyed, then I say it’s the right thing to do.” Piccolo countered.

Chi Chi nodded, “And this Trunks boy sounds like a decent kid. Hard to believe considering who his father is. What was Vegeta’s reaction to him, by the way?”

Piccolo smirked, “About what you would expect. He didn’t even believe the kid was part Saiyan. I’d pay to see his reaction when the current Trunks is born without black hair or eyes.”

The room was silent, everyone absorbing that piece of information. Chi Chi gently handed her husband the frozen bag and rushed to grab her cellphone that rested on a counter at the opposite end of the room.

“Do you think this might move along a bit faster if Bulma _looked _a bit more Saiyan?” the earthling asked as she made her way back to the table, dialing a number into her phone. Goku leaned forward.

“Who ya callin there Chi?”

“Honey, keep holding your head back. Also, hush you two.”

The table listened intently as the phone rang before someone on the other line picked up. Chi Chi donned her most convincing "nice" voice.

“Oh hi Bulma! It’s Chi Chi. How are you? ...I’m good! Hey, this is random, but does Capsule Corp. have a gym? …Really? Would you ever be interested in going with me sometime? …Great! How about in an hour? …No that’s not too soon! What better time to start than now? …Exactly. I just feel like I’ve gained so much weight recently and want to get rid of it… Alright, I’ll see you soon!”

Chi Chi hung up, smiling smugly. Goku, on the other hand, looked rather confused.

“Chi Chi, you don’t need to go to the gym. I think all the weight you gained is cute!”

“I don’t know if I want to slap you or kiss you, Goku. And I’m not going because I’m trying to lose weight. I’m going to get Bulma some muscle like Saiyans have.” She crossed her arms and scowled at the warriors at her table, “I don’t know if you two have forgotten, but I used to be a martial artist too, you know. I can train Bulma to be stronger and that should get Vegeta’s attention.”

Piccolo looked shocked, “Do you think you’re going to have enough time to do that?”

“Well does anyone have any better ideas at the moment?” When nobody answered, the Ox princess stood up, “Exactly.”

* * *

Bulma’s existence was pain.

Or at least it was while she was on a treadmill.

The scientist gasped for air, struggling to keep up with the ground moving beneath her; an overly peppy Chi Chi jogged on a machine next to her own, not expressing a hint of exhaustion.

“Come on, girl! I know you can do it! We haven’t even made it to half a mile!”

The blue-haired woman wheezed a sentence that Chi Chi could only pick her name and the word “murder” out of. Something told her this would be their last time exercising. _So much for that plan, _she thought to herself.

In another part of the Capsule Corporation compound, Goku, Dr. Briefs, and Scratch the cat were sitting in a traditionally decorated library, watching a ball on the end of a string swing back and forth.

“So you see, Goku, the Foucault pendulum represents the rotation of our very own planet.”

“Cool!” Goku had no idea what the scientist had just explained to him, but he did wonder if matching a punch with the rotation of the Earth would do any extra damage. The warrior stood up and moved around the space, looking at the different trinkets, books, and novelties that cluttered the library. His eyes landed on a golden pen sitting on an oversized desk.

“Ah, that dip pen belonged to King Furry’s ancestor! He used it to sign historical documents honoring Master Mutaito as a hero of planet Earth. That right there is a very important piece of history. Would you like to play with it?”

“Uhhh…” Goku hesitated as Dr. Briefs pulled a sealed jar of ink from a desk drawer. Before they could continue, a saccharine voice interrupted the trio.

“Snookums, dear, I’m having trouble with the cappuccino machine again. I swear, we have the tech to go to Namek and back, but not to make a simple cup of-“ Panchy Briefs paused as she noticed the Saiyan, “Oh Goku! I didn’t notice you there! You look more and more handsome each time I see you- a true lady-killer!”

“I haven’t killed any ladies, Mrs. Briefs.”

Dr. Briefs chuckled, “Don’t worry, dear, I’ll go see what the issue is. I’ll be right back, Goku. Help yourself to whatever!” With that, Bulma’s parents left the warrior alone. He turned back to the delicate inkwell on the desk, picking it up and popping open the lid only to have a few drops fall and stain his gi.

_Oh crap, Chi Chi’s gonna to kill me if this doesn’t come out._

Goku paused and stared at the stain on his clothes, recalling something his wife had said earlier:

_Do you think this might move along a bit faster if Bulma **looked** a bit more Saiyan?_

* * *

“Chi Chi, I will never forgive you.”

The two women sat on a bench in the gym, having just completed their run. Bulma was hunched over; skin flushed and hair matted with sweat; Chi Chi looked as poised as ever, smiling sympathetically.

“Does this mean you’re not going to want to spar with me?” The housewife received a glare as a response, “Okay! No sparring today!”

“No sparring _ever_.”

The two ladies walked back to Capsule Corp.’s main building and then departed; Chi Chi going to look for her husband and Bulma going to take a much-need shower.

Meanwhile, in Bulma’s shower, Goku was opening every product he could find with the word “hair” labeled onto it and pouring black ink into it. Screwing the cap back onto a bottle of conditioner, the Saiyan sensed a small power level approaching the room and rapidly Instant Transmissioned to a startled Chi Chi.

The princess squeaked as she was scooped into his arms. “Ready Chi?” She nodded, blushing, and Goku took off towards Mount Paozu.

_I’m sorry Bulma… _The warrior couldn’t help the guilt tugging at his conscience. It was for the best, he tried to rationalize.

* * *

“What the hell do you call this?”

A heap of metal and other burnt materials was dropped in front of Bulma, who was painting her nails in a bathrobe and hair towel. Only when she was satisfied with her work on a particular nail did she looked up at the prince, unimpressed by his rude behavior.

“What’s your problem now?”

“My _problem_ is these pathetic bots you keep building me. You said you would improve the intelligence of these things, and yet I destroyed it without breaking a sweat once again.”

“Did you manually change the level on the side of each bot?”

“Change the level-“ the prince paused, staring at the scientist as she sighed and carefully dug through the pile of debris so to not mess up the fresh coat of polish on her nails. Eventually she pulled out an instrument displaying a scale of levels one could choose from, had the machine still been in working condition.

“Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass you might have noticed such a thing.”

“You didn’t say a damn thing about any manual level change. Why wouldn’t you adjust the AI to be automatic-“

“Don’t push the blame on me just because you’re apparently blind and didn’t bother to look for a switch before destroying my work like a barbarian-“

“Maybe I assumed you were smart enough not make something so absurdly pointless, but you’re right, I made a mistake in believing you weren’t a complete idiot-“

“Oh, I’m the idiot?! You almost burnt the house down when you put a fork in the microwave. Did they not teach you “heat plus metal equals hot” in space?!” Bulma was breathing heavily as the towel fell off her head. To her surprise, Vegeta didn’t have any snarky response. Instead he stared at her, eyes wide. She raised an eyebrow, “What the hell are _you_ looking at?”

“I just… wasn’t expecting your hair to look like that.”

Bulma’s eyebrows furrowed as she walked over to a mirror and felt her heart sink at her reflection. Staring back was the same face and eyes with a crown of black curls framing her head.

She ran her fingers through her hair before rushing to the bathroom and turning the shower on to rinse the leave-in conditioner out of her hair. She scrubbed each curl with shampoo as Vegeta watched from the bathroom door, curious as to what was going on with the strange little human. Using the handheld showerhead, the heiress frantically cleansed the ink from her hair, leaving a black swirl of water to flow down the drain.

Glancing in the mirror once again, Bulma’s hair was still stained a deep gray color. The scientist pouted as tears developed on the rims of her eyes. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop herself from beginning to bawl in front of the prince.

Vegeta suddenly wished he had never entered her room in the first place. “W-What are you doing?!”

Bulma scowled at him through her tears, “What does it look like I’m doing?! I’m crying you dummy!” she screamed through her sobs. “Did you do this?! Is this some sort of joke to you?!”

“What?! No!” Vegeta shook his head nervously, unsettled by the reaction the woman appeared to be having. For reasons unknown to him, he disliked being on the receiving end of anger he didn’t actually deserve. “Why would I do something like that? I don’t care about your stupid hair! Stop crying- it's irritating!”

“You know, when you tell me to stop crying it just makes me cry harder!” the woman began to wail even more and the prince had never been more confused. The same human that wanted to get a front row seat to Frieza destroying her planet was now crying over hair that would grow back for her. The Saiyan didn’t understand it. “And my hair isn’t stupid! I just got a perm and I was really into having the curls, okay?”

“Look I-“ Vegeta sighed. Comforting humans was probably among the things he was worst at, “would you just stop crying? At least your hair grows back. If you were me you would be screwed. The black doesn’t even look... awful... on you.”

Bulma blew her nose obnoxiously into a wad of toilet paper and the prince had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “You only think that cause it’s the hair color of Saiyans or whatever.”

“Well that’s true, but your blue hair would have been prized on my planet,” Vegeta looked away, reminiscing about his home world, “Our world was a giant desert and the sky looked like fire. Blue was a rare color and was reserved only for royalty. You would have been treasured there and… um...”

The Saiyan hadn’t talked about Planet Vegeta in decades; the words had fallen out of his mouth before he could even think about it. The human woman stared back at him with wide eyes, tears dried up and a hint of pink dusting her face. Vegeta, embarrassed, started to backpedal.

“Of course, you would have been crushed by the gravity like a weakling, so no one would have paid you any mind, o-obviously.” The prince turned away from the human, hands clenched as he began to march away, stopping only when Bulma spoke up.

“Hey Vegeta?”

He turned around to see her smiling slightly.

“I’m going to make an appointment to get this crap out of my hair tomorrow.”

“I don’t give a damn what you do, woman,” he scoffed at her insistence that he would care, “just make some better bots so I can be the one who destroys this mud ball of a planet.”

Bulma giggled at the Saiyan now stomping out of her room, “Sure Vegeta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will ink actually stain hair? Maybe? I dunno. It's special ink, okay?!


	4. The Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I updated this! I apologize. There will be another chapter posted very shortly after this one, though. I'm just fixing up parts of it right now. :)
> 
> To recap: Bulma had her hair dyed gray. That is literally all that has happened. I know, such an action-packed story. :)

Bulma tucked a loose strand of hair back into her bob as she sipped her lemonade. When arriving at Capsule Corporation that morning, Chi Chi had been startled by another spontaneous change to the heiress’s hair. The curls were chopped off to her jawline and now pin straight. The color seemed… off, as well. Still, it looked nice.

“The short hair really compliments you,” Chi Chi praised the look. The scientist grinned at her friend.

“Thanks, Chi. You know, you would look cute with a bob. Maybe _you_ should chop all of your hair off now.” Bulma teased the housewife, who now looked terrified as if the other woman was chasing her with scissors. She shook her head.

“I’ve never cut my hair that short before. It’s always been long.” The princess blushed and began to finger at a strand of raven hair, unable to imagine cutting it off. She thought of all the times Goku had walked up and randomly run his fingers through it, admiring its silkiness and the shiny black color.

“Suit yourself,” Bulma shrugged.

The two women continued to chat and drink at a small table on the Capsule Corp. lawn, occasionally being joined by Bulma’s mother. The three women were deep in conversation when they noticed a disgruntled Saiyan walking towards them, following the path from the Gravity Room to Capsule Corporation’s main building. Chi Chi stiffened at the approaching man, while the Briefs women seemed as content as ever.

“Vegeta darling!” Panchy leapt from her seat and skipped over to her houseguest, who watched the woman approach in horror. Vegeta found the blonde creature more unsettling than the likes of Frieza. The prince regularly made threats to her that would have once left the most battle-hardened soldiers shaking in their boots, and yet she always giggled, called him a “silly goose”, and then dragged him to the kitchen where she would offer him a snack or baked goods. The human would do all of this without even opening her eyes, causing Vegeta to theorize that she could smell his fear.

The Earthling hooked her arm around his own and dragged the prince towards the two other women, sitting him down at the table and piling various treats onto a plate in front of him. She excused herself, wanting to get her guests some refreshments, and Vegeta decided to allow her to live another day. After all, she was the only one on this ball of dirt to treat him as a prince should be treated.

Plus, he may no longer be welcomed here should he kill the family’s matriarch.

The Saiyan began to dig into the food on the table before looking up at the two women. Bulma smiled deviously at him as she often did, making Vegeta wonder if the woman was ever _not_ up to something. He turned to look at her friend, a dark-haired female who seemed to be trying to kill him with a furious glare. Vegeta swallowed his mouthful of food and nodded in her direction, “What’s this one’s problem?”

Bulma opened her mouth to gently diffuse the situation but Chi Chi was faster, “My _problem _is you! Don’t think I’ve forgotten the state you left my husband and son in, you monster!”

Vegeta lifted a brow and looked back at Bulma for answers. The scientist awkwardly cleared her throat, “Vegeta, this is Chi Chi, Goku’s wife. Chi Chi, meet Vegeta.”

The prince grinned evilly, “So, you’re the human Kakarot mated with? I can see why he and the brat were so eager to leave Earth and get to Namek.”

Chi Chi growled at that, the conversation spinning out of control as fast as it began, “Oh please, Goku would do anything I asked him to do unless it’s getting a job, If I wanted him to kick the crap out of you, not only would he do it but he would be able to as well. Perks of being married to the Legendary Super Saiyan, I guess.”

“Do you really think that low-class fool could measure up to an elite like me once I achieve the legend as well? I am the Prince of all Saiyans!”

“So? Goku’s a prince too!”

The table went silent as Chi Chi seized the attention of both Vegeta and Bulma, who responded in unison: “What?!”

Crossing her arms, the housewife grinned smugly at the two staring blankly at her, “It’s true! My dad is the Ox-King of Fire Mountain. That makes me a princess and Goku, who married me, a prince!”

Bulma broke the silence that followed her friend’s proclamation, “Huh, you know I never thought of it that way, but I guess you’re right!”

Vegeta, however, looked as if someone just shot a hole into his chest…again. “You’re a liar!”

“Am not! Goku’s a prince and unlike you he actually has subjects!”

“You think I give a damn about some pointless human title?! Kakarot is, and always will be low-level trash!”

“My husband is not trash!”

“Yes he is!”

“There’s a new baby monkey at the zoo today!”

The argument came to a screeching halt as an enthusiastic Panchy returned with their drinks, smiling and seemingly uncaring of the troubled atmosphere that had developed in her absence. Setting the drinks on the table, she held up her phone showing a picture of a baby monkey wrapped in blankets.

“Isn’t it just the cutest little thing? Oh Chi Chi dear, do you think Gohan would like to go visit the zoo? We should all plan a trip together! He’s a smart young boy, I’m sure he would have a great time! Oh, I know! Let’s go today if you aren’t too busy!”

Bulma grinned, “Yea, that could be fun! It would be a nice break from training for the guys, don’t you think?”

Chi Chi pondered this for a moment, before returning her friend’s smile. “You know what? That’s a great idea. Let me call home and I’ll see if I can get ahold of anyone.” The housewife stood up and walked away to make her call, while Panchy scurried inside to make plans, leaving Bulma and Vegeta alone.

Bulma turned back to the Saiyan, who had resumed eating after her mother’s interruption. She sat deep in thought, watching him, before speaking up.

“I know you probably don’t want to go to a zoo, but you might want to consider coming with us.”

Vegeta raised his eyes to her, looking confused, and a mouth full of food once again.

“I’m just saying, if I was a mad scientist developing two evil cyborgs to take over the world, I would make sure they were equipped with as much knowledge about the planet as possible. And Goku has travelled all around Earth ever since he was a little kid, so he knows all about the flora and fauna that we have. I don’t know... I just think that that could put you at a disadvantage for those two battles, since you’ve only been here for a short amount of time.” Bulma shrugged, smiling to herself as the information seemed to sink in for the Saiyan, “I’m sure you used to get a small briefing about a planet before you conquered it back when you used to do that. The zoo could offer something that Capsule Corporation can’t. After all, biology isn’t our specialty…”

Vegeta stared down at his plate, mulling over the advice the woman had given him before nodding, “Alright, I’ll go-“

Bulma squealed in delight as she leaped out of her chair, “Awesome! You can’t wear that grody armor though, so I’ll go pick you out a nice outfit! We’re going to have so much fun!” Bulma’s voice trailed off as she ran back to her home, leaving Vegeta sitting alone, wondering what he just agreed to.

* * *

“Why did we come here again, Chi?” Goku whispered to his wife as the large group walked into the zoo through a private entrance. Due to their status, wealth, and a generous donation made to the West City Zoo years ago, the Briefs and any friends of theirs were considered honored guests.

“Lots of reasons, Goku! The first being that we’re a family and we’re allowed to do fun family stuff together!” Chi Chi muttered back to her husband, “Besides, Gohan could use a little field trip to supplement his studies.” Their son was walking ahead with Panchy, politely grinning and participating in an inane conversation with the woman. Bulma strolled next to her mother, trying to rescue the young boy from the blonde’s babbling, which led Chi Chi to her final point, “Most importantly, I was thinking we could get some important… _intel _here.”

“Intel?”

“Yes, about Saiyans. You all turn into giant monkey ape things on a full moon and have tails. It might be worth learning about different types of primates. You know- to try to see if there are any similarities and use them for our, uh, _mission. _Piccolo agrees with me on this._” _She turned around to see both Piccolo and Vegeta (both in casual clothing) crossing their arms, trailing the rest of the group with scowls on their faces. The housewife was stunned to see Vegeta present, but she supposed any interactions between him and Bulma were a positive development.

“You think Vegeta is more like a monkey than a human?”

“Goku, sometimes you act more like an animal than a human and you were raised on Earth by _humans_.”

Goku shrugged, unable to argue with that.

The group was lead down a wooded path until they began to approach a woman in a traditional zookeeper uniform: khaki shorts, a cotton shirt emblazoned with the zoo’s logo, and a wide brimmed hat that had a ponytail of curly red hair poking out of it. Her freckled face wore a large grin as the group reached her. Bulma turned around to introduce the woman.

“This here is Miss Simiya, the director of West City Zoo’s primate division and our tour guide for today. She’s well informed about all parts of the zoo, so if you have any questions she’ll be the one to ask.” 

Simiya beamed at the introduction, “Thank you, Dr. Briefs, and welcome to our zoo.” She turned to address the small crowd, “Howdy everyone! How are we all doin’ today?”

The zoologist was met with awkward silence, some polite clapping from Chi Chi and Gohan, and a lone cheer from Mrs. Briefs. She continued, “We’ll get going as soon as I get my friend to join us.”

The group watched as Simiya turned to the trees and whistled loudly. There was a pause, before a grey and amber colored monkey descended from the trees and landed on her shoulders.

“This here is Miri. He’s part of the species of Papaya Island Monkeys. He’s a bit shy around other monkeys and prefers humans as company, so he’s my little assistant.” The zookeeper gave the monkey a piece of fruit, which it ate greedily, “So, what exhibits would you all like to see first?”

“More monkeys!”

Everyone turned to look at Goku, who seemed unexpectedly enthusiastic about the tour. Panchy chimed in as well. “I would like to see more monkeys too! I heard there’s a brand new baby and she is just so precious!”

Simiya nodded, instructed the group to follow her, and led the way through the zoo.

“Good job, hon.” Chi Chi praised her husband, and he winked back at her.


	5. The Intel

As the team walked along the zoo’s pathways, Miri the monkey hopped from Simiya’s arm and scurried over to Goku, climbing up his body and onto his shoulders. The primate began to comb through the Saiyan’s wild hair.

“Ah! Hi there!” Goku greeted the monkey, not really minding his new friend but curious about his behavior.

Simiya looked stunned, “Wow. Miri has never warmed up to somebody that quickly. I guess there’s something special about you. He’s grooming you right now. A lot of primates use grooming to form bonds or establish hierarchies,” she informed her guests.

“Ooh! That’s interesting!” Chi Chi suddenly had a pen and notebook in her hand, and was furiously taking notes on this new information. Simiya walked over to Goku, holding her elbow out and inviting Miri to join her instead, but the stubborn animal slapped her arm away.

Goku grinned at the concerned look on the tour guide’s face, “It’s okay! He can hang out with me if he wants! When I lived out in the forest as a kid I was friends with lots of monkeys!”

Simiya stared at him, before laughing at what she concluded was a joke, “As long as you don’t mind.” She turned and continued leading the group to the primate division of the zoo.

The party eventually reached their destination, visiting each exhibit and listening to Simiya, who enjoyed reminding them all that it was the Brief’s _charitable _donations that allowed the zoo to create such an elaborate display. As Chi Chi was taking notes, she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Piccolo, who nodded in the direction of the baboons.

“Those things resemble the Oozaru transformation more than any other animal we’ve seen so far.”

“Oozaru? You mean the great ape thingy?” Piccolo nodded. Chi Chi walked over to the exhibit to see a troop of baboons, all with long muzzles and rather angry looking faces, “That’s what my sweet little Gohan turns into?!”

“Yes, except he’s 50 times larger, has glowing red eyes, and is determined to destroy everything around him,” Piccolo reflected on his time training Gohan and the horrific night when he changed into a furious Oozaru. Chi Chi looked as if she was going to faint.

The duo was startled by a certain Saiyan prince sneaking up behind them to join their conversation, “You know, I can hear you two idiots talking, and I’ll have you know that the mighty Oozaru is far more intimidating and impressive than… whatever the hell _that _creature is.” He gestured to the baboons, which were currently picking insects off of one another and eating them. Bulma snuck into the conversation.

“What are we whispering about over here?”

“Vegeta doesn’t think those baboons resemble the Great Ape that the Saiyans turn into on a full moon.” The Namekian answered.

Bulma analyzed the monkeys, “Oh yea, that totally looks like that nightmare of a form you all have.”

“No it doesn’t!”

“Does too! What- did you look into a mirror when you were a monster? Goku almost ate me, I think I would know!”

Chi Chi was pale, “Oh kami, my husband is a monster…”

“Whatcha guys talkin’ about?” Goku joined the group with Miri still checking his hair and Gohan following closely behind him.

“These baboons look like how you do when you look at a full moon.” Bulma answered her friend.

“Really?!”

“Kakarot, don’t listen to them. Not even you deserve to be insulted in such a way. The Oozaru transformation is a fearsome form that haunts civilizations across the galaxy. It is not the same as some ridiculous looking Earthling primate!”

“What’s an _Oh-zaroo?_” Panchy asked, out of the loop. 

“Wait, does my butt look like that when I transform?!” Goku pointed to a baboon currently presenting its swollen, red rump to the audience.

“Goku! Could you be appropriate and act like an adult for five seconds?!” Chi Chi chastised her husband’s immaturity.

“Kakarot, you imbecile…”

“Hey monkey lady! What’s with their butts?!” Goku called out to Simiya.

Everyone turned to look at the zookeeper, who was slack-jawed, staring at the group as she tried to process the conversation she had just witnessed.

“I… uh… they… wh-what were you all just talking about just now?"

Gohan spoke up instead, “Well some species of primates have calluses on their bottoms that make sitting more comfortable. Females also have swelling that shows fertility, and they use it to attract a mate by presenting their butt to a male’s face…”

The group was silent as they absorbed that piece of information, everyone staring at Gohan who was bashfully looking away at the ground. Simiya cleared her throat, “That’s uh, that’s correct, young man.”

Chi Chi continued to take notes, beaming proudly, “That’s my Gohan! I guess reading all seven editions of that advanced biology textbook was worth it after all!”

Gohan continued staring at the ground, “No.”

Their tour continued from there, Simiya still unnerved by how strange the Briefs and their companions seemed to be. The more she looked and listened to their little gang of friends, the weirder they became. Also, was that one guy green? How did she not notice that earlier?

The group eventually found themselves in a heated discussion about baboon hierarchies and social systems, when Bulma noticed Vegeta wandering away. She chased after him.

“Vegeta! Wait! Where are you going?” She caught up to the prince, who was looking his typical frustrated and conflicted self. He turned to the human.

“I’m leaving. I don’t really know what made me decide to go on this little outing, but I realized it’s been an enormous waste of my time.”

Bulma couldn’t help pang of disappointment she felt, and pouted, “You’re here to learn more about the planet so you’re more prepared for your fight with the androids! …And also Goku.”

“Ah yes, and so far I’ve learned that certain animals on this planet show each other their swollen asses in order to find a mate. I am sure that is just the _key information _I needed to be able to destroy the androids.”

The blue-haired woman burst into a fit of laughter, “Wow, was that _sarcasm_ Vegeta? You know, you’re a lot funnier than you think you are.” Bulma spent the next few seconds trying to suppress her giggling as Vegeta glared at her, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. She turned and started walking away from him, talking over her shoulder, “Come with me- we can go look at something that might _actually_ be helpful to you.”

The prince hesitated before following the human.

Back with the rest of the group, Goku noticed the absence of the (hopefully) future couple, and interrupted Simiya’s speech about yawning among primates, “Okay monkey lady, listen up. We’re gonna need you to go into great detail about how those monkeys make babies, and we don’t want you to leave any details out.”

* * *

“A lot of these snakes and bugs are found in the Southern Continent and the islands surrounding it. That’s probably where you’ll be fighting. You don’t want to lose a battle from a snake bite, do you?” Bulma peered into each exhibit lining the walls of the dim herpetarium, each one containing a reptile or amphibian of some sort. Vegeta followed her, analyzing each creature before scoffing at her words.

“I doubt anything native to this planet could take down a Saiyan like that.”

“Other than the androids,” Bulma muttered under her breath, recalling the warning of impending death that the boy from the future had brought to them. If Vegeta heard her, he neglected to respond, and the two continued through the building. They stopped to watch some baby dinosaurs sleeping in an enclosure.

“There’s a lot of really threatening dinosaurs out there too. Though I don’t think they will give you any issues either. Goku used to just play around with them like they were his friends. I’m pretty sure Gohan did the same when training under Piccolo.” Bulma smiled gently at the memories that her and her oldest friend had while adventuring through the wilderness and searching for dragon balls.

“Why did you ask me to come with you today?”

Bulma shrugged, “I just want you to be prepared is all.”

“Did you really think that bringing me here would help me?” the Saiyan pushed. The way that Vegeta asked wasn’t accusatory; rather he seemed genuinely confused as to why he was invited along.

Bulma turned to continue through the exhibit, “Well I _do _think it’s beneficial for you to know your battleground, but you’re right to be suspicious. I really did want you to just come out and relax for a while. I like spending time together.”

_“Why?”_

The scientist was quiet for a moment, putting her thoughts into order. “…You see my potential.”

When she didn’t continue, the Saiyan challenged her answer, “Woman, what the hell are you going on about? You have the strength of an insect. What potential do you think I see?”

Bulma stopped to look at a lizard basking under a heat lamp, “I remember when I first invited you to live here, you had demanded a gravity room like what Goku had on his way to Namek. Ever since then, you have expected improvements, repairs, armor- anything my dad and I could do to assist your training. And as much as I think you can be a big fat jerk about it, you’ve always expected me to outdo myself, even when I wasn’t sure that I could.” The heiress shrugged, suddenly taking an intense interest in her nails, “None of my other friends have really believed in me like that.”

Vegeta felt his eye twitch, not expecting such a sincere answer, “Woman, I don’t _believe _in you or care about your silly feelings. I’m not your friend. I just want to make myself more powerful.”

Bulma looked up at him and winked, “Well you have no reason to lie, so I guess that makes it all the more genuine.”

The prince opened his mouth to argue with that absurd idea when he felt the woman grasp at his arm. She stared ahead, petrified. Vegeta felt himself become alert and overly aware of his surroundings due to her sudden change in behavior. She gradually lifted a finger to an exhibit straight ahead.

“F… frog…”

_“…What.”_

“That frog… it’s so gross looking! It looks like the frog I became on Namek!”

Vegeta stared at the woman in front of him. It was official. She was as hysterical as her mother.

Noticing his confusion, Bulma explained, “That guy on Namek! He could switch bodies, remember? He tricked me and I was a frog for a while and it was awful! And a bunch of frogs kept chasing me all over the planet! It was the worst thing ever! Well, probably not as terrible as dying, but… it was still pretty bad!”

Vegeta started cackling, “You switched bodies with frog Ginyu? How did that even happen? How did you get back to normal?”

“I’ll tell you about it later…” Bulma was apprehensive as she watched the Saiyan approach the frog, which had its back turned on the two. Vegeta smirked over his shoulder at her in his typical arrogant way.

“Be careful, woman, it has a power level on par with your own.”

“I liked it better when you were just a jerk instead of a smartass jerk.”

Vegeta turned back to look at the frog, which was spotted and had antennas. It _did_ actually look similar to Ginyu when he had become an amphibian. The antennas twitched, the frog noticing it had company, so it turned around and looked up at Vegeta.

Hanging out of its mouth was a fat worm wriggling like crazy and covered in slime. One moment Vegeta was in front of Bulma and the next he had disappeared, only to grab her by the arm from behind.

“We’re leaving.”

Bulma blinked, startled by his sudden attitude, “Why? Is there something wrong?” The prince just shook his head and dragged the two out the door. Once they were outside, he took a deep breath and shuddered. “…You okay?”

The prince glared at her, “I think we’re done here.”

Bulma shrugged, “Let’s head back to the others then. C’mon, I’ll tell you all about Ginyu and being a frog.”

* * *

“This saber-toothed tiger is a highly endangered species. It has been hunted by poachers to near extinction…” as Simiya chatted with her audience, Goku leaned over to whisper to Chi Chi.

“I think we might have eaten one of those for dinner the other night...”

“Shh.”

Piccolo felt his ears twitch, hearing Bulma and Vegeta speaking as they returned to the group.

“You know, there’s a story here on Earth about a guy that’s turned into a frog and can only turn back into a human if a princess kisses him. Maybe if I didn’t get my body back, you could have kissed me and saved me, Prince of all Saiyans.”

“Woman, if I already find you repulsive as a human, what makes you think I would kiss you as a frog?”

“Jerk!” Bulma huffed and stomped away from him.

Piccolo didn’t know what he should take away from that interaction- _was Bulma trying to flirt with Vegeta just now? Why did he reject her advances? Where did they disappear to? I hate that I have to think about these kinds of things now…_

Finally, the tour was over, and their little group was heading back to where they had first entered the zoo. Bulma trailed behind everyone, contemplating the surprisingly smooth trip to the zoo they had enjoyed together… and the time she had spent with Vegeta.

The scientist watched as Miri the monkey abandoned Goku and dashed over to Vegeta. To her surprise, the prince allowed the monkey to perch on his shoulder. Bulma couldn’t help it as her heart soared- a bad boy being a softy to a tiny, innocent animal was just too precious for her.

Bulma then felt her soaring heart plummet out of her ass as the Saiyan grabbed the monkey by its tail and held it in front of his face. In a panic, she looked over at Simiya, who was drowning in a conversation with the highly outgoing Panchy. She quietly thanked her absentminded mother, before rushing over to the prince.

_“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Put that monkey down!” _Bulma hissed at Vegeta, who was having a staring contest with the primate.

“He left his tail out like a fool.”

“He’s a freaking monkey!”

Vegeta ignored her, “This animal seems important to this organization. I say take it as hostage until your family receives the money you are owed.”

_“…What?!”_

“You granted this company a large sum of money and all they seemed to give in return was this dull excursion? That’s unacceptable.”

“Do Saiyans understand the concept of charity?! Wait- never mind, that’s a stupid question.”

Miri, who was getting agitated from being held upside down, reeled his arm back and slapped his captor across the face. Vegeta snarled and bared his teeth at the primate in response, but paused as the woman grabbed his wrist, looked him dead in the eye, and calmly began speaking.

“Vegeta- do you think that the main lab and my personal lab are the _only _two laboratories on Capsule Corporation’s main compound? Because they’re not – not even close. I have an elaborate network of workshops hidden throughout our property that only a select handful of the world’s top scientists have access to. In one of these other labs we are close to developing something with the same properties as a senzu bean on steroids – it will be able to regrow missing limbs and everything. What I’m trying to say is that if you don’t put that monkey down in five seconds, I promise you that I will use this invention to make you tail grow back, just so I can slowly cut it off again and wear it as a scarf around my neck like a trophy.”

The Saiyan stared at her, looking somewhat stunned by her threat. He let go of the monkey, who fled the scene and back to his owner. Bulma crossed her arms.

“I know I’m not a fighter, and that I’m no threat to you in that regard, but I promise that if you _ever_ jeopardize my family’s good name, the androids will be the _second_ biggest threat that you have ever faced.” The human turned around and stomped away to catch up with the rest of her friends.

Vegeta watched her leave, unsure if anything she said was actually true. He had seen how clever the human was during his stay with her, and though she could never be a danger to him physically, he was certain that she was capable of bringing some harm to him if she tried.

The strange thing was, he didn’t feel threatened, or like he had to eliminate her now. The prince didn’t know what he was feeling.

He recalled a memory from years ago, when he and Raditz had only just reached adulthood. Trying to pass the time between missions, an entire station of Frieza’s soldiers had organized a small tournament amongst each other. Raditz had been paired up with a Saiyan-like female, who absolutely crushed him in the battle before walking away in disgust at her opponent's weakness. Instead of the low-class warrior retreating back to their group to tend to his shattered pride, he chased after her like a fool with his tail wagging behind him.

“What’s that idiot doing?” Vegeta had questioned Nappa, who howled with laughter at his subordinate’s behavior.

“Going to try to get lucky, I guess.”

The prince remained stunned by the other man’s actions, “What?! What the hell happened between now and the start of the fight?!”

“Vegeta, you know Saiyans are _attracted_ to danger. We seek a mate like we seek a battle- the deadlier the better. I guess his opponent slapped him hard… both figuratively _and_ literally.”

Later that night the low-level Saiyan came crawling back to their living quarters with his tail between his legs, reeking of rejection. Vegeta was thankful that he personally never experienced such useless emotions. Being amongst the strongest in Frieza’s army, there were few who could challenge him in strength, and those who did typically looked something like Dodoria.

Vegeta quickly brushed the thoughts to the side. The only emotion he had for the woman was indifference. He tolerated her insubordinate behavior in exchange of her scientific genius. Sure, the female wasn’t _unattractive, _but she was still human and still a weakling. Even considering such thoughts was an insult to his Saiyan pride. Cursing his mind and his instincts, he decided he had had enough and took off into the sky to go train and suppress such absurd ideas, uncaring if any human saw him.

Simiya guided her group to the exit. After saying their goodbyes and thanking one another, she watched as they pulled away from the zoo. A coworker joined her.

“So, how did it go?”

The zookeeper thought of the best way to summarize their visit.

“…They had me talk about- and I quote- “_How baboons pick up women,” _for 30 minutes, before the Briefs promised a new large donation of zeni coming soon and then leaving…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been trying for so long to write a DBZ version of the Frog Prince -with Vegeta being the (prince)ss from the story and Bulma being the frog, of course- but I cannot for the life of me come up with a way to make an in-character Vegeta kiss a frog. If someone else wants to try to write this please send me the link when you're done so I can read it!


	6. The Bikini

“Guys, this is a stupid.”

Goku and Piccolo turned to Chi Chi in shock. The Saiyan tilted his head, “What do you mean, Chi?”

The human took in the scene in front of her. Goku was currently wearing a bikini bottom over the pants of his gi, while Piccolo wielded a paintbrush and was delicately coloring red circles onto the bathing suit bottoms. The housewife sighed, “I mean, look at what you’re doing!”

Piccolo’s expression and ears fell in defeat, “Look, I don’t think my painting is _that_ bad. I thought it was really starting to come together.” Goku peered over his shoulder to look at his rival’s work.

“Wow Piccolo! I think it looks great! Maybe add a bit more highlight on the top to really capture that round baboon butt look.” Piccolo nodded and got back to painting.

“Uh, hello?!” Chi Chi reminded them, “Did neither of you hear what I said?! This is stupid! Why would a Saiyan be attracted to a baboon’s butt?”

“Maybe girl Saiyans had butts like that. Have _you _ever met a girl Saiyan? How can you be so sure that they didn’t?” Goku countered.

Chi Chi crossed her arms, “Okay… but how am I supposed to get Bulma to wear something so ridiculous?”

“That’s _your_ part of the plan. You don’t tell me how to do my job, and I won’t tell you how to do yours” Piccolo growled, still sore from Chi Chi’s alleged insult to his artwork.

“Chi, just believe me on this one. Vegeta is an alien. You have to think outside the box! And since Piccolo and I are both aliens too, I think you can trust us on this. Look, we’re even going to make you one!” Goku nodded in the direction of another bikini. The human groaned and face palmed.

“Whatever. I’ll see what I can do. I guess I shouldn’t complain. It’s nice to see you taking a break from training.”

Eventually they finished painting Bulma’s bathing suit and Goku shimmied out of it, moving onto the next bikini. He turned to his wife, “You wanna model this one?”

Chi Chi shook her head, “No Goku, you have the nicest butt for modeling. You can do it”

Goku beamed, “Nice.”

* * *

“Are you _seriously_ trying to tell me that _this _is the latest fashion on Mount Paozu?” Bulma lifted a brow at the unique item of clothing her friend was insisting she wear. The suit was a typical navy blue bikini- outside of the bright red circles adorning the rear. 

Chi Chi nodded enthusiastically, wearing an identical bathing suit; however, her circles were noticeably smaller. _You don’t want to steal the attention from Bulma, so she gets the bigger baboon butt, _Goku had insisted. Chi Chi forced a smile as she swore to make her husband pay later.

Bulma stared at the clothing for a few seconds before tossing it onto her bed and walking over to her closet, “I think I’ll just wear something of my own! Thanks though!”

The heiress started rummaging through her clothes as Chi Chi panicked, “Wait, why?! Do you not like it or something?” the housewife feigned offense, pouting at her friend to drive her point home.

“N-no! I like it! It’s… _really different. _I just have my own suits to wear, you know? I appreciate it, I really do…”

There was an awkward silence. Chi Chi considered just letting it go. After all, she found the plan stupid in the first place.

However, what her husband had said about Vegeta being an alien and thinking outside the box had stuck with the housewife. Goku was a Saiyan like Vegeta, and she wasn’t. If he was confident in this strange little plan, why should she question him? Who knows, maybe it will actually work!

It was time to bring out the big guns.

Chi Chi buried her face in her hands and let out a theatrical wail, causing Bulma to whip around at the sudden change in behavior, “Oh I knew you would hate it! Why did I think I could ever design cute clothes?! I’m such a fool!”

Bulma stared at the other woman with wide eyes, “You designed this?” Chi Chi nodded, still covering her face in shame and Bulma rushed over to comfort her friend, wrapping her arms around the housewife and sitting them down on her bed. “Chi Chi, it’s not a bad outfit at all! You’re like, super talented!”

The raven-haired woman sniffed and wiped at her eyes, “I’ve just been so lonely and stressed with the boys training all the time and the imminent apocalypse approaching… I guess I just wanted to try something fun and new!” Chi Chi took a tissue that Bulma was offering, loudly blowing her nose into it, “Plus it’s still so hard for me to find clothes that fit. Do you know how much a half-Saiyan baby ruins your body? Those little monsters are _never_ full and the weight you gain _never _goes away… N-not that you should never have a Saiyan baby! They’re wonderful, really!”

Bulma frowned, “Is that why you wanted to come over and workout the other day?”

“Huh? Oh yea… sure.”

Bulma sighed and smiled gently, “Chi Chi, I’ll wear the bathing suit. The more I look at it the more… unique it gets! It’s the… _cutest!”_

The housewife jumped up to her feet, now beaming at her friend, “Alright great! You change into that and I’ll go wait by the pool.” Chi Chi strutted out of the room, practically leaving Bulma with whiplash at how fast her mood had changed. Before she walked out of the door, Chi Chi turned around to address the heiress, “Oh, and Bulma? For Kami’s sake, run a comb through your hair.”

Bulma self-consciously ran her fingers through her hair as she was left alone in her room.

* * *

Vegeta emerged from the now-broken gravity chamber, and immediately wanted to retreat back inside despite the state it was in.

Kakarot’s human woman was here _again. _She never seemed to leave this place nowadays, and anytime her and Kakarot were around something idiotic was bound to happen. The prince decided that the best thing to do was to ignore the harpy from now on. It seemed that she and the woman were taking advantage of abnormally warm day by spending time near the swimming pool.

…Which meant that the blue-haired wench was probably wearing some obscene outfit. The Saiyan’s mind had already been clouded with thoughts of the woman ever since their time at the animal prison. He _really _didn’t need a vulgar image of her in his head as well. The best course of action was to avoid the human for now and order her to fix the Gravity Chamber when she was… less distracting. In the meantime, he would find the blonde human and ask- no, _demand- _that she prepare a meal for him. She always agreed to, as according to her, no one else appreciated her culinary talents.

The prince prepared to take the scenic route around the compound to avoid the women when he felt a particular ki approaching Capsule Corporation. It took him a moment to place it, but when he did it elicit an involuntary growl from the Saiyan.

He turned around in an abrupt change of plans, and headed the other direction.

* * *

The two ladies were settled into their lounge chairs with drinks, magazines, and a radio playing when Bulma noticed a shadow descending from above them. She grinned.

“Look who it is! Hey Yamcha!”

“Yamcha?!” Chi Chi shrieked, donning a pair of sunglasses and looking up to confirm the news.

Sure enough, a certain former-bandit landed in front of them, wearing an orange gi and a large lopsided grin.

“Hey ladies! Wow, you two are looking good! Nice bathing suits!” Chi Chi almost fell out of her chair at that.

Bulma giggled, “Well Chi Chi made them, so compliments to her… What have you been up to? It’s been a while.”

Yamcha beamed at the heiress, “Well, you know, I’ve just been busy training. Been moving around a lot- usually staying at Roshi’s with Krillin. I even trained with Tien and Chiaotzu a few times! But I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were doing okay.”

Chi Chi watched in horror as Bulma and Yamcha both prattled on, exchanging laughs and even hugging each other once. This was _not _how this day was supposed to go.

“So, uh…” Yamcha began glancing around the area as if looking for someone, “How’s Vegeta been…”

Bulma rolled her eyes, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve barely seen him in days. He acts so antisocial sometimes… Speak of the devil!”

The Saiyan in question was stomping towards their group, looking as disgruntled as ever. Ignoring both Yamcha and Chi Chi, he approached Bulma.

“The Gravity Room is broken.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as the human and Saiyan glared at each other. Finally Bulma spoke up.

“Is that your version of asking me to fix it? Well tough luck, prince of all assholes. I’m obviously busy so you can wait until later!”

“_Busy?! _You call lounging around in the sun ‘being busy’?! What are you, a reptile?!”

“Hey man!” Yamcha interjected, “We’ve all been busy worrying about the androids. I think we’re allowed to relax every once in a while!”

Vegeta’s attention turned to Yamcha, much to the human’s dismay, “I barely even noticed you over there, weakling. It seems you’ve been doing an awful lot of ‘relaxing’ lately, considering your power level has barely improved since we last met. Does the continued existence of your planet mean nothing to you?”

Yamcha dug his nails into his palms, trying to stay calm in the presence of the antagonistic Saiyan. He opened his mouth to argue further before Bulma stepped in between the two.

“Vegeta shut your trap! I’m not fixing your stupid little workout room until I feel like it! So if you want to keep training go find a wasteland to tear up or something until I’m ready!”

Vegeta glared at her, the scientist barely picking up the way his eyes darted between her and Yamcha. Crossing his arms, he finally spoke up.

“I’m not leaving until you fix it.”

Yamcha groaned from behind Bulma as she prepared to further argue with her alien guest when an unexpected voice spoke up.

“Just let him stay. He’s not hurting anything. The more the merrier, right?” Chi Chi addressed the group as she thumbed through a magazine.

Bulma rolled her eyes once again, “Fine. Wait around here like a big fat baby,” she stomped back over to her own lounge chair, plopping down onto it and putting her feet up, “but you’re going to be waiting an awful long time, badman.”

* * *

After Bulma’s small rant to Vegeta, the group proceeded to experience the galaxy’s most uncomfortable get together to ever come into existence. Chi Chi was furious to have her plans thwarted by Yamcha, who was fuming at Vegeta, who was intent on pissing off Bulma, who was currently able to find a reason to be angry with each one of her friends.

Yamcha was sitting backwards in his seat, his chin resting in his folded arms as he drummed a set of fingers against his bicep. He glanced between the still-standing Vegeta and the two girls still sprawled out in the sun. He sighed.

“So uh… you two must have a lot going on today, huh?”

Chi Chi shook her head, “Not at all. I have all day to be here!” There was no way she would allow Yamcha alone time to try to make a move on Bulma.

“I’ll leave when my Gravity Room is fixed.” Vegeta added, who had remained standing with his arms crossed. The prince was glaring at the blue-haired woman who continued to shun the Saiyan. 

Yamcha was done seething and jumped to her defense, “Why don’t _you _fix your own stupid gravity ship or whatever? Bulma isn’t your freaking slave! Do something for yourself!” Vegeta’s eyes lit up at the opportunity to further irritate the human, but Chi Chi shut down the Saiyan with another interruption.

“I know! Why don’t we watch a movie?” the housewife asked in an almost condescending way. It was the same voice she used for Gohan when he was a toddler.

“Yes, _please_.” Bulma agreed, already out of her seat and gathering her things, “Maybe you two will finally shut up then.” She turned to walk back into her house with the others following close behind, each one with their own secret agenda.

When they reached one of Capsule Corp’s entertainment rooms, Bulma instructed the others to pick out a movie while she went and made popcorn. The heiress stood waiting by the microwave for a bag to finish popping when she felt a presence creep up on her. She groaned in annoyance.

“God, Vegeta. You're worse than the cat when someone opens a can.” She turned around to scowl at the Saiyan leaning his back against the doorway, “Would you leave me alone for five seconds? I won’t fix your stupid toy until you learn to behave!”

Vegeta simply continued to stand where he was, staring vacantly at the ground and ignoring Bulma. The heiress shook her head, ‘_What is going on in that thick skull of his?’ _

The scientist turned back to her task when a brilliant idea dawned on her. “Here, come make yourself useful!” She skipped over to Vegeta and dragged him over to the microwave. The human held his hand with his palm facing up and placed a bag of popcorn on it. She smiled, “Do you think you can heat this up so that it cooks?”

The prince raised an eyebrow at her, before summoning enough ki in his hand to make the bag swell up with a single pop. The human squealed in delight as she took the bag and placed another in his hand, demanding him to repeat the process.

The fact that this is what his phenomenal power was amounting to these days should have bothered Vegeta, but for some reason, he continued to appease the charmed human woman.

* * *

_‘This is agony.’_

Yamcha sat alone on the couch, staring at the chick flick that was dominating the Briefs’ oversized TV screen. The movie that Chi Chi had stubbornly chosen was something about high school drama, boyfriends, and extremely unfriendly girls. Honestly, he hadn’t been paying much attention.

The problem, however, was less about the choice of movie and more about the fact that Vegeta seemed to actually_ enjoy_ it. His interest in the film- in addition to the fact that he was holding the single, enormous bowl of popcorn- had earned the Saiyan the attention of both Bulma and Chi Chi, who were huddled up on each side of him.

“Finally, a human film that I can enjoy. This is way better than that garbage you tried to show me previously.” Bulma had attempted to introduce the prince to the action genre of film, thinking he would enjoy the violence and fighting. Instead he complained about the cheap effects and ‘_having to_ _watch a bunch of weaklings fight other weaklings.’ _

However, it seemed that the political intrigue and manipulation of high school reminded the Saiyan a lot of the time he spent in the Frieza Force; while there wasn’t as much death or violence, there was an adequate amount of backstabbing and deviousness.

“Sheesh,” Chi Chi shuddered as the antagonist of the film revealed her plans to ‘ruin the protagonist’s high school life.’ “This makes me glad I was homeschooled.”

Bulma nodded, reaching for more popcorn, “This makes me glad I almost always skipped school.”

“I don’t understand you humans. The main female stole the other female’s property without even making sure she was dead first. This is a great lesson on the pitfalls of being merciful.”

Bulma raised an eyebrow at the Saiyan, “Property? What property?”

“The male the two women are interested in, obviously!”

“Vegeta, that teenager is not their _property. _That is the nice girl’s boyfriend and the evil girl’s ex.”

“It was clear that they were mated. If they were Saiyans they would belong to each other. You don’t just take another Saiyan’s mate without facing repercussions. That’s why the fight to the death is so crucial.” Vegeta shook his head as if it were obvious.

Chi Chi blinked at that violent piece of information, “On Earth we just agree to breakup. Well, that’s the ideal way to do it, at least.”

Vegeta paused and turned to Bulma, “Is that how you and scar face over there ended things?”

_‘Death would be preferable to this.’ _Yamcha thought to himself. He would know, he had experienced it before.

“Shh! This is the best part!” Bulma dismissed the question and turned everyone’s attention back to the movie.

The movie ended with the downfall of the antagonist, whose defeat was due to her closest friends turning their backs on her and helping the protagonist instead. In the end, everyone agreed to be friends again and to live in peace for the rest of high school.

Vegeta scoffed at that, “Well the ending was disappointing, but there were a few valuable lessons in there. That woman should have never relied completely on her lackeys in the first place. Trusting her _friends _was a foolish move.”

Bulma crossed her arms, “_That’s _the lesson you learned?! I think we might have watched two different movies.”

Yamcha, thrilled that this experience was now over, announced his departure. As he walked out of the entertainment room and onto one of Capsule Corp.’s many balconies, Bulma followed closely behind before addressing her old friend.

“Yamcha… Thanks for coming over to visit. Sorry we didn’t get to talk much.” Bulma blushed as Yamcha beamed down at her.

“Hey, B, it’s no big deal! Listen, I’ll be sure stop by again soon. Maybe just the two of us can hang out, ya know? Like old times.”

Bulma returned his smile, “Yea… that could be really nice.”

The two embraced before Yamcha took off into the night sky. Chi Chi and Vegeta both let out a sigh of relief from inside the room, witnessing the departure of the former-bandit through a large window.

Chi Chi joined her friend outside, “Well, I guess I’m going to take off too!” After a quick phone call, Goku popped into existence in front of the two ladies.

“Hey guys! How was your day? How’s Vegeta, Bulma?”

Bulma shrugged, “It was fine. We just relaxed by the pool and watched a movie. Also… he’s fine, I guess?”

Goku laughed as Chi Chi hooked her arm around his own, “Did you like the bathing suit Chi Chi brought you? I gotta say, I think I wore it better than the both of you two combined!”

“…You _what?” _

Goku laughed again, “See ya, Bulma!” Then the couple vanished.

_‘Saiyans… what the hell is with them?’ _Bulma wondered to herself. Speaking of Saiyans, Vegeta was probably still throwing his little temper tantrum over his precious Gravity Chamber. The scientist wandered back inside.

“Look Vegeta, I’ll take a look at your stupid gravity machine tomorrow morning. Right now I’m too… tired?” Bulma glanced around the room, the Saiyan surprisingly nowhere to be seen after he had just been stalking her for hours.

Bulma sighed, _‘Again- what the hell is wrong with Saiyans?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the story should start picking up a lot more from here! 
> 
> Also I just want to point out two things: One, this is not an anti-Yamcha fanfic despite me teasing him throughout it! I absolutely adore Yamcha!!! But let's face it, this part of Dragon Ball history was NOT a good time for him! (not that there are many good times for the poor guy!) But don't worry, I have some fun plans for him and I think that those of us who love Yamcha will be pleased where this goes. :)
> 
> The second thing is that from my understanding of the canon, the Saiyans rarely had lifelong partners unless they were elites or an outlier like Bardock and Gine. I kinda made a headcanon here that if there WERE partners, they would be extremely loyal to one another until actual death. Vegeta especially would see relationships in that way, considering how important bloodline is to him as a prince. Idk, does that make sense? Maybe I'm overthinking this for a single joke. :P 
> 
> I hope everyone has a Happy Holidays. :3


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